What am I doing

So I have a lot on my mind tonight and so I just have to get some stuff out. :P

So I just had a birthday in August, I turned 34 years old. I have been in one of the weirdest places in my life lately and it's because being a mom changes everything in life. As we grow up we get boyfriends we get married and we start hanging out with other married couples right? Then as time progresses most likely you start a family. When you hear people say that having children is going to change your life . . . they're not kidding. If you could think of everything in your life before children you'd probably remember having so much free time. Having friends and going out with them as often as you please. You probably also remember the free spirited maybe goal oriented if you were in school. I went to school but I never took it as serious as I should've. I grew up in a small town and I had the best friends ever! After college I came home and reconnected with my besties. Went to school some more, partied it up, some started nursing school and some got pregnant. As we grew, our lives started taking a different direction, as I am sure you're aware will always happen! So as some friends got married or had babies they drifted away from the partying scene. All this is normal life and we should expect it. But the weirdest thing of all is getting into your thirties just having children and having to find all new friends who are on the same timeline in this life as you. I'm not talking same age, same number of kids at the same age and all that. I'm talking about moms in their mid age with babies and whether it's their first or their fourth all moms turn into mama bears at some point right!? So while we're out there trying to find new friends and set up playdates for our kids to make friends there is so much to consider.

1st - We have to be seeking out friendships via some type of mom group or local gatherings. Unless you were lucky enough to have best friends who kept up with you in this life and you both got pregnant at the same time and you both have all the same friends and always have someone you can call when you have a bad day. At least for me and a lot of other moms out there that is not the case. A lot of people around here are new to the area and looking to make some new friends. So we reach out on social media desperate to find friends.

2nd - Similar interests

Usually when moms are on the market for new friends one thing we all have in common is our kids right? So usually we'll share something like this "Hey I am new to the area and I am just looking to meet some ladies, I have two children ages 3 and 1, we love going outdoors for walks and backpacking. What kind of stuff is there to do around here and would there be anyone willing to get together for a playdate?" Then you'll see a stream of other moms commenting yeah I'd love to meet up! So as this goes on in a small town such as Post Falls and Coeur d Alene Idaho if you're outgoing and up for all the local get togethers, your bound to make some friends and may form some strong bonds with some.

The problem

The problem with making so many new friends is that now you've spread yourself so thin and tying to make it to every event and stay connected with all the moms. And eventually some are going to be left out. . . Not everyone is going to have the same schedule as you or as everyone else. So events start piddling down to a handful of women and clicks are formed. I am sure were all familiar with clicks from high school right? The cool kids and the jocks and the nerds and then there's the outcasts. I was never one of the cool kids but I had some pretty cool friends. We had each other and I think I had the best group of people. I tend to be attracted to the people who you can just tell are not going to completely self centered. They're the ones that show up and make people comfortable with their goofiness or their free spirit! They don't care what people think of them and they're comfortable in their skin. I hope you understand that not everyone fits this bill. There are some people in this world that think they are the cats meow and that everyone should like them. I'm sure as you were reading this you even just thought of someone you know like this. We will all encounter someone like this in our life and we must know how to maneuver.

The Mama Bear

I have been able to make some great friends and I've been part of a great group of ladies that would get together regularly for movie nights and paint nights and beach days and park play dates and birthday parties and baby showers. I just happened to encounter a mama bear at one of these events. While the kids were all sitting at the table having a snack and I was across the room getting my snack I witnessed another kid violently ripping a toy out of my kids hands so rough that he almost made him fall of the table. So I quickly walked over to correct this behavior by saying to the other kid "Hey Hey that's not nice! give that back to him" Not in a yelling voice or anything but stern enough. Now this kids mom was standing right behind him watching this behavior and did not think to correct it. Or maybe was not paying attention. She gave me the sternest glare, shocked I just looked back without saying a word. In the mean time her kid does it again right in front of us. Once again she does not correct it. So I removed my son from the situation. I hung out for a little while longer pretending like all was well. That night after the party I received a message from this kids mom telling me that she did not appreciate the way I snapped at her child and that I should try to use age appropriate behavior and practice kindness. Okay so I appologized for my harsh behavior even though I also explained that she needs to correct his misbehavior also. She said she didn't see it and if she did she would've corrected it. Blah blah blah anyway long story short, I apologized even though I didn't feel like I snapped at him in any way that was uncalled for. Anyway weeks go by and I end up running into her at another mom group meet up. She of course ignored me, so I asked her via messenger if we were good. She says yeah were good. So next time I see her, she ignores me again. Slowly but surely I'm deleted from the group messages with other women and stop being invited to their group events. I saw them hanging out on social media, of course it hurt to see them having fun without me. I decided I would just let them go and encourage them for finding the friends they had. Good for them they found their crew, more power to them. I set out again to find new friends, after all there are so many other people this world. So I had mentally moved on. Still in contact with 2 friends out of that group which was fine with me. Even though there was some small part of me that never totally felt comfortable to be me around them. I felt like they were criticizing the way I parented and could tell they thought their way was better and when I was around or when our kids were playing I had to constantly correct my son but she would rarely correct hers. She and the other women in the group were still close buddies with the mama bear I had encountered. So I had a feeling they talked about me and had taken her side. Among many other things this is one I had to get over. So I worked myself down and told myself it was all OK and was just had to move on. So that's what I did.

But wait there's more. . . Since I was friends with two of them still I was informed when their was more splits in the group. After it had been a few weeks I came to find out that the mama bear I had encountered was no longer in the group. She and another woman had decided to leave the group. I didn't think much of it at the time. That weekend I was invited out to dinner with them and a few other mamas. I was just thankful to have been included. By the end of that evening I had learned the reason I had been excluded for so long. I was informed that the mama bear had told the other ladies not to invite me to their outings. I believe she used the wording "outsider" in reference to me and possibly others. . . . that hurt. Not because someone would dislike me and tell others not to include me. At least she was honest in her feelings right? What hurt me the most was that the other women, my friends would allow that behavior and go along with it. It hurt that I was so disposable and they had let this mama bear control the group and never think to tell me that this was going on. I know I know this is all drama but bear with me it gets better. The internal struggle continues in my mind. Thinking why am I forgettable? Why don't people like me? What makes me so dispoable? All I ever do is try to be friendly and make sure that everyone is happy. I don't even like getting involved in other peoples business. . . So why was I excluded? What ever I guess that's just the way it is. . . I just want to let them go and move on again. Or should I make more of an effort? So I tried to make an effort, going to the events I was now invited to, still feeling as if I was just not as good as them, that my kid was just a bully and I needed to take parenting tips from them or something. Reaching out every once in a while to check in and make sure we're all good. I'd get the recognition I needed and then be ignored again for a while. No comments on my stuff, no likes, no text messages. Nothing. I still tried my best to ignore all the flags and message them and try to schedule meet ups, all to no avail. Being left with so much negative space lets the mind run wild doesn't it? When left to our own thoughts we can really make a bad situation worse. Or even make something out of nothing at all. Just trying to remain positive doing the best I can still showing up this weekend for my almost friends baby shower. Not really knowing if we're actually friends, but hey she invited me so we must be right? I saw the other two ladies that stayed in contact with me through the dry spell I was put on. They were cordial but something just felt off. Like when I walked in, they pretended not to see me. Until I walked over and said hey, "OH hey! I didn't even see you." yeah right I thought to myself I saw you see me. :( what ever. . . I'm here just do the best you can, don't make a big deal of it. So I stuck it out all the way through cake and presents. But as I was left to my thoughts after the event that evening. . . I thought to myself WHAT AM I DOING?

WHAT AM I DOING?

The revelation came to me through much ping pong back and forth thought process and some after talking with my husband. If they don't bring you joy why do you keep trying to be their friend? Why would you express so much effort into someone that doesn't return the effort? There are so many more people in this world that would delight in being your friend. If something doesn't make you happy then stop doing it. If being around certain people make you doubt yourself and make you feel like an invalid then why would you want to be around it? Because it's just easier to pretend as if it doesn't exist? That being a welcome mat is easier then standing up for yourself? Don't get me wrong being a good person is not a bad thing. Trying to make everything easy and not ruffle the covers is a good thing. But to the point that I doubt my worth, that I compare and diminish my character to theirs. I realize that they're not really friends at all. A friend would be there and not allow another to control who you can be friends with. At least the kind of friends I would want. I would want someone to stand up for me and say no she's a great person and I want her to be invited. My happiness is worth more than this. I am 34 years old still trying to make some decent friendships and I am spending so much time on the ones that don't return the effort. So What am I going to do about it? I could go and talk to them about it, but most likely they wont understand where I'm coming from. They wont understand what it felt like to find out they put me in their back pockets until it was time to come out. The mama bear was gone now so I could come out to play? Seriously! I don't know how they thought this was OK. I'm done playing games. I am done feeling like the little annoying sister that people allowed to be in their company because of what ever circumstances. I want to be empowered and loved. I want to feel welcome and celebrated. I want real friendships. Why would I want to keep repairing a burning bridge. Sometimes we need to open our sail and let the wind take us out to sea to get rewarded with the bigger fish. Life is too short to settle for anything less than our happiness. Sometimes we need to make our happiness happen for us. It's not going to be easy, you may hit some turbulence but if we keep our eyes set on God and remember that we are valuable and that if we listen to that little voice that tells us what to do we'll be alright. This may be just one small step toward becoming the fearlessly authentic mamas. Thanks for being on this journey with me!