Good bye old self

This year I have learned so much, about myself, about the world we live in, about what's most important and how to kinda balance the life as a stay at home mom. Definitely Not saying I have it all figured out by any stretch of the imagination whatsoever, but I think I grew a lot in who I am and knowing more about who I want to be. Before I go any further I am going to turn on some tunes and turn out the home life chaos going on outside my office door. . .

Ok, So I feel like I should preface all this by saying that I have come a long way from a dark place, and there are days I feel like those days are so gloom. But then I am reminded that its all superficial and that what really matters is who I am and the family that Gods given me. God must be put in his rightful place in my life before all else.

So over the last two years I have really opened myself up to putting myself back out into the world and meet new people. We have lived in this small town of Post Falls for 8 years now. It has only been the last two years that I have really gotten out there to meet new women. I started in small mommy groups on Facebook and met some nice ladies. Made some connections, some remain, some have fizzled out. Which is fine because some people just connect and some don't. So in the midst of going through meeting new people and then not seeing them any more I just learned that it is what it is. . . that some people click better than others and thats ok. Of course for a while there I was hurt because I didnt know what I had done wrong or if I had done something wrong I didnt know what it was. Because all I really was trying to do was avoid drama. So any time something went down within the group of ladies we were hanging with I tried to slip out and not say anything. Somehow I think it was all misconstrue. Any who, moving on to people who are worth my time and attention. What is important to take note of in your own personal life is the effort you put out should be an equal balance. If you are the one who is constantly calling or setting up get togethers and never getting the invite yourself you should re-evaluate the friendship. Most of the time we can get a vibe from people we are around and you can sense if they are feeling the conversation or not. Then again sometimes people are really good at being fake and then you'll hear about it later. What I believe I have recently encountered is the type of person who is friendly and then all of a sudden cuts it off. With no explanation, seems all is still well. . . we just dont wanna hang out any more. . . . That is a shock for sure. Of course gets me thinking.... did I do something wrong? Did they hear something bad about me and take it for gold? I had recently learned something not so tasteful about a woman I had recently befriended but you know what. . . . I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and get to know her still. Now I am not that naive that I wont be cautious, but I will still allow for some transparency to be revealed before I make my final conclusion. I believe that is what God did for us after all, he knew our sins, but loved us still. The bible tells us to love one another above all else. To be humble and meek not with a proud or haughty look.

I have been doing a lot of my own personal growth studies and podcasts to search myself to see what I could do better. Now if it is as simple as the ladies had done the same and decided that a relationship with me was just not in the best interest of herself then thats fine. Thats what we should all be doing right? Search yourself, know whats good for you, and hopefully we find good healthy friendships that can build each other up. So I don't let that bother me I will still be friendly and if they choose to delete me then so what. I have wanted so many times to write something out to declare to the world to just make it easier for me to be transparent without the baggage and proclaim who I am and then if anyone wanted to be my friend they were welcome to get to know me. I have gone back and forth about that idea just because I dont want it to come across wrong. I probably wont, I will just pick myself up and carry on.

Within all the self growth research I have done you can really wrap it up in a feeling. So many times I had come home from mama meetings and just felt gloomy, like something went wrong, like they judged me, like I said something I shouldnt have, or they dont like me because of my child did something against their child. My wise husband would take in what I had to say and then would return it with, then why do you hang out with them? If you dont think they like you then why do you keep trying to be their friend? Good question. I have been so desperate to have friends that I have sacrificed my self identity and even let certain traits yet to be shown because I was so reserved and trying to be the type of friend they were looking for. So that is the 2018 I am saying good bye too.

Going into the new year, the year of 2019 I am leaving behind the junk of feeling not enough. To some people I've met it's been so easy, immediate chemistry and so much back and forth getting to know each other. Laughing, just talking about life and the simple things without trying to fake something. THAT my friend is what we need. Its ok to move on from friends as long as we're graceful and kind. There should be no hard feelings, people just gravitate to their type.
A friend recently shared a blog with me titled "Don't chase people, attract people" and I love that so much that that is my new years resolution . Attract my people and build a few great relationships rather than have a large crew of mediocre relationships that dont stand the test of time. So I'm sure i'll do some more studies on how to be a good friend but more so just being happy with who I am and being the best mom and wife that I can be, and to be present for my family and for my kids. Because they are my world and they are my gift! They love me unconditionally and they make me happy! I have a wonderful Husband who treats me so good, and loves me and the kids. He is the best husband I truely coul've asked for! I am blessed!

I hope anyone reading this can look inward and evaluate the relationships in your life and hang on to the ones that make you a better person because they're in your life. Not because you feel like you need to be better to be in theirs.

God Bless! and Happy New Year!